Some children are slow to warm up or uncomfortable in social situations. We often say they’re naturally shy. If your child experiences shyness, you can help by supporting her in social situations, encouraging brave social behaviour and showing her how to act in social situations.
Shyness: The basics
All children are born with individual temperaments. Temperament is the way a child interacts with the world.
‘Shyness’ is one type of temperament. Children with shy temperaments tend to be uncomfortable with social interactions. They sometimes keep away from social situations.
Most children are clingy sometimes, but clinginess comes and goes. Shyness doesn’t go away over time, but shy children can learn to be more confident and comfortable interacting with other people.
There’s nothing wrong with shyness
A shy child often ‘warms up’ as she gets to know a person or situation. This means it’s more helpful to describe a child as ‘slow to warm up’ rather than ‘shy’. Labelling a child as ‘shy’ can make her feel there’s something wrong with her, or there’s nothing she can do about her shyness.
Instead you can say, ‘Nurul takes a little while to warm up. Once she’s comfortable, she’ll be happy to play’. This sends the message to your child and others that you understand how she feels, and she can deal with the situation when she’s ready.
Not all babies and young children with ‘slow to warm up’ temperaments end up being shy adults.
Supporting your child with shyness
It’s normal to want your child to be confident and comfortable in social situations, but this doesn’t come naturally to all children. This means that children who are slow to warm up need to practise social skills in small, manageable steps.
You can help your child practise and learn by giving her the chance to be around others, encouraging and praising ‘brave’ social behaviour, showing her how to act in social situations, and supporting but not over-comforting her in social situations.
Tips for young children
Here are tips to help babies, toddlers and pre-schoolers with shyness in social situations:
Tips for school-age children
Here are tips to help school-age children with shyness in social situations:
Shy children often don’t want to be noticed. It might help your child to know that people are more likely to notice her if she says nothing than if she responds when people talk to her.
How to tell if shyness is a problem
Normal shy behaviour
There’s a range of normal shy behaviour.
For example, it’s normal for a baby to cling to her parents, cry in a social situation, and physically try to avoid social interaction by hiding her head, moving or turning away, or shutting her eyes.
It’s also normal for a pre-schooler not to talk when unfamiliar people speak to her. She might hide behind a parent, or avoid joining in games.
It’s normal for a school-age child to sometimes avoid answering questions in class, have trouble making friends, prefer to sit back and watch others play, or avoid new activities.
When shyness might be a problem
You can tell if your child’s shy behaviour is a problem by asking yourself whether it’s causing her (or you) a lot of distress.
For example, your child might not be able to say ‘hello’ when someone greets her or look at someone when they’re talking. Perhaps your child and you can’t go places because of her shyness.
Children who show shyness might also show signs of anxiety in social situations, like parties, playdates, school and sporting activities. They might also talk about feeling lonely, and show signs that they want more friends but don’t know how to get past their shyness.
If your child’s shy behaviour is interfering with her performance at school, or impacting on her friendships, this is a sign that it’s becoming a problem.
Some shy children go on to develop anxiety. If your child’s shy behaviour is significant and hard to change, it could help to talk to a professional like a child psychologist.
Shyness or something else?
Sometimes children with language delays, autism spectrum disorder (ASD) or hearing problems can behave in ways that look like shyness. For example, they might not make eye contact or take part in a basic conversation.
It’s a good idea to have a chat to your child’s paediatrician (for young babies and toddlers) or your child’s teacher (for pre-school and school-age children) to rule out other reasons for your child’s behaviour.
Your feelings about your child’s shyness
Many parents feel disappointed or even frustrated that their child is slower to warm up. Most parents want their child to feel at ease with others, and to have confidence in social situations.
It’s not your fault or your child’s fault that she finds social situations scary. It might just be part of her genetic make-up. It can help to focus on the positive steps your child and you are taking to overcome shyness.
If you’re shy yourself and aren’t sure how to help your child because of your own shyness, it might be a good idea to speak to a professional like a child psychologist.